and you kissed me like you meant it

<3Connor Warren Church. =)

Things are good. And even when they're not, they will be soon enough.



Life is funny. And fantastic.
And this... This, is different.
Better =)

I just truly believe that I will not be able to go through another heartbreak like this.
Because I know that each time
it's just going to get worse, and worse.
And I don't think I would be able to fall in love again
just to be hurt
and then find the courage to get on my feet once more.

In the end I know that I will not be forced to deal with problems that are too big for me to handle, and that everything happening to me is for a definite reason, but I just am done with being let down. Done with hurting.

I can't be used anymore. I can't be lied to. I can't be taken advantage of.
I'm just over it so much.
More than I ever have been.

And I am just SO scared now.
Just utterly terrified.

And I don't understand oneeee bitttt
how he would just let me fall in love with him
knowing the whole time
that he's never going to be with me.
Why would someone
who claims to be my best friend,
my everything,
KNOWINGLY
let me get hurt this way?
It does not add up.
And it's not fair.

And I can't do it anymore.

i have such a boring life it's kind of humorous!
but i loveeee being in flagstaff more than anything
and i love my classes
my work
my girls
my boys
everythinggggg =)
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

for me, the hardest part about losing someone is not the pain.
i can deal with pain.
i can be sad and have a good cry and then cheer myself up.

the hardest part is the realization that NEVER AGAIN will i be able to stop missing him.
never, as long as i live, will i be able to see him
and be happy.
this pain can't go away, because there is no possible way that this can be fixed.
and not just now, but for forever.

there is no moving on.
there is no finding someone better.
there is no possible way to fill this void in me.


how do you deal with THAT?
how do you deal with FOREVER?

Yay, on the 14th (of August) I'll be flying home to Tucson.
I'll be there for a few days getting all of my stuff together, and then I'll drive up to Flagstaff and move into my house with Hannah and Kendra =)
I can't wait.
I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now.

I am so thankful for the true friends that I have in my life. <3
And for once in my life I think that things with boys are working out the way that I want ha ha. Rare, but that's fine with me ;)

LONDON is great, but I am ready to go back home.

hmmm, I love my life right now!!
I feel totally at peace with just everything, and I feel connected to life.
Nothing has ever made this much sense before.
Friends are good, boys are good, family is good.

I honestly can't be sad about anything from the past
or excited for anything in the future
because I know that all I have is the Now
and my Now is just great.

And I've been listening to a lot more music lately which has been really nice because I barely listened to any when I was at Bodenseehof, and it's been great to get back into the swing of it lately.
And being in London has given me a lot of free time to read a ton of books which is so relaxing.

I am totally joyful.

<3

So I just got here to London about two weeks ago and I am loving it so much! I don't really have too many friends yet but I'm not worried. I met some really nice girls at church last Sunday so that was nice. And being alone is nice, too.

So much has happened in and around my life lately.
And in some ways I feel like I should be depressed about it all.
And in some ways, I am.
But I have really just been able to find so much JOY in life through all the sadness and I know that it's just by the grace of God that I can wake up happy every day.

I really am in the best place I have ever been.
And after the past four weeks, I know that I can face any trouble that I get.

Friends are great. Better than ever probably.
And same with boysssss =)

I am just thankful for my family. And the friends who act like family. The ones who care to call and to write when I'm gone. The ones who don't have a reputation of being my friend to uphold, but do it anyway.
Love that.

<3
PS I got Google Chrome and I love it!







"Even though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me." -Psalm 23

so i pretty much didnt have a christmas or birthday or new years this year...
and it's just sad
because i miss my family
and my friends
and i never want to spend this time alone again.

but i know that being alone is making me stronger
because i have to figure out what is right
all by myself.
like an acutal adult this time.

ahh, i just feel like this is a fake life
because what's real is so completely amazing
and what sucks is the worst in the world

and i dont even know what i am saying
but i'm excited for my life.
for my life now, and in the future.

and i'm complete =)
man it feels goooood.



i'm going places.
i don't know where
or how
but i feel like i am.
<333

Here's to 2009: good luck topping '08!!
but i think it mayyy be possible.

mmmm, i love it here =)
i am having the best time ever, meeting really amazing people, learning so much about myself.
and there is so much spiritual influence and encouragement here, i can't even describe it.
this is home,
i can't imagine life any other way.
and that's crazy,
but i love it.

<33

i spent the past year and two months waiting to see him again
and just imagining how awkward it was gonna be
and it was NOT at alll, in any way.
what a relief!!!


and i feel like things are falling in place for me
and my journey till the day i leave for germany
is going smoothly, just the way i wantedd =)

YAY DEUTSCHLAND!



froststarbabysitting
thats my lifeeeee.





ANNNNND
i realized that everything comes down to the people who follow through when they say they will be there for you.
it no longer matter how long you've known someone for and what you've been through together...
all you need is the person to be on your side.
you need them to have your back, and your front.

everything else is just temporary and means nothing compared to the people who catch you when you're falling, and pick you up when they see that you've already fallen.